Words Left Unspoken

The hardest thing to understand are the words left unspoken.

Random Personal Thoughts and Questions.

It is exactly 11:56 PM in my laptop. I am supposed to be sleeping by now but here I am again, typing letters, words and sentences to express things that I wanted to tell you but I haven’t.

I suddenly remembered all the things that we used to do on weekends. We chat. We video call. We laugh. We throw jokes and we exchange stories. We even have shared songs and music videos to one another. Do you still remember that, huh? Hmm. I guess not. What made me say that? I saw your girl posted it in your Timeline. Well, to tell you the truth, I still browse your Facebook Timeline sometimes. I still want to know things about you. How are you now? Are you still here in Manila or you’re back to your hometown? When will you go back to your workplace? I miss you. Oops, can I? Can I miss someone I’ve never been with? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. All I know and feel is that I want to talk with you again. Okay lang kahit mapuyat ako. Diba nga usapan natin, pwede magpuyat basta weekend? Basta walang pasok kinaumagahan? Do you still remember that?

I miss all those times that we talked in the morning. You are actually one of the reasons why I wake up earlier than the usual. My friends even laughed at me when they knew that. Di na rin ako nag-deny. What’s the point? E totoo naman. Hehe. Kumusta ka na ba? Ano nang balita sayo? Nung Valentine’s Day ka pa huling nag-message. Ilang araw na rin. Actually nakalimutan ko na nga yung reason kung bakit ka nag-chat nun e. Can you help me remember?

I miss your voice. Don’t get me wrong, I know you didn’t sing a whole song for me. But I heard you sing once, via Skype. I just forgot what the song was. Can you tell me again? Can we talk again?

Why aren’t you sending me messages anymore? Is it because of me? Are you thinking that I am mad at you? No. I am not. Oh, okay. To be honest, at first, I was really really upset. But I was more hurt than upset. I thought the feeling was mutual. But then again, I guess I was wrong. No, I was really wrong. Funny, isn’t it? But now, I am okay. Truly okay. So, can you send me a message again? Promise, I will send back a message.

I want to ask you a lot of questions. How long did you court her? Were you courting her while chatting with me? Was she the reason why you were using your phone during those times that we were video calling? Were you also chatting with her while we do? If yes, then why, in the first place, did you send me chocolates and continuously chatted along with me? I appreciate whatever reason you have but it could have been better if you just did not. 

We were okay since the day we met. We were not close friends but not enemies either. We talked casually about my father’s project which happened that you drew. We were okay as Facebook friends. Actually, crush nga kita nun e. Hehe. Nung unang beses na nagkita tayo, naging crush na kita. Pero naglaho rin naman yun. Kasi by that time, studyante pa lang ako, ikaw naman, architect na. So sabi ko, walang patutunguhan toh. That was July 2011. Then after 2 years, there goes your chocolate. Hanggang sa nasundan na ng chats every morning, hanggang pati gabi. Tapos nauwi rin tayo sa video call. Ngayon, ano nang nangyari? Nagulat nalang ako isang araw may girlfriend ka na. Hanggang ngayon diko pa rin lubos maisip kung anong dahilan at kung anong pumasok sa isip mo bakit ka nagpadala ng chocolates, alam mong Kuya ang tawag ko sayo pero dun sa note na kasama ng chocolates, pangalan mo lang — walang Kuya. You gave me false hope and I was hurt. Akala ko kasi, yun na. Hindi pala.

Well, di naman ako nagsisisi sa maikling panahon na pinagsamahan natin. Siguro, more on nanghihinayang. Iniisip ko nga, kung di kaya tayo nagkalapit nung mga panahon na yon, ano kaya tayo ngayon? Ano kaya ako ngayon? You inspired me. And to be honest, sabihan na kong tanga ng mga kaibigan ko pero, you still do. 

Kumusta ka na nga pala? Masaya ka ba? Kasi ako, masaya ako para sayo. Pero syempre, to be honest, malungkot ako para sa sarili ko. Just like what I’ve mentioned earlier, I thought we feel the same way. Yun pala, hindi. You’ll be celebrating your 2nd monthsary by next week. Congrats! Going strong, huh? Good luck to the both of you. Oh, don’t mind me. I am okay. Of course, it still hurts a bit but, I am more than okay compared before.

Well, I’d like to confess something to you. There’s this hope within me that makes me feel like we could still have another chance. Do you feel it, too? It seems like there’s something in me that says it may not be now but maybe, in the future. Well, I don’t want to assume and predict anymore, so, I’ll just go with the flow. I know that if it’s really for me, if you’re really for me, we’ll still meet at the end of the road.

So, shall I see you there? Who knows, we may be taking the same road, it’s just happened that you walk faster than I do. Just take care as you walk your path. I do hope that the girl you’re walking with won’t ever let you trip nor stumble. Take care and see you when I see you. 🙂

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I’m Not Missin’ You At All (New Chapter of this Blog)

Hey yow! It has been a long while since I last posted in this blog. Hindi ko alam kung masyado lang ba akong naging tamad o naging busy. Hehe! It’s the 14th of February and everyone seems like having their best day ever. Habang ako, eto, nasa kwarto, nakikinig ng mga kanta ng MYMP at nagsusulat. In short, nag-e-emote. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung may tao bang makakabasa at makakaintindi dito sa mga sinusulat ko e. Since halos lahat ngg nag-follow sakin at finollow ko dito sa WordPress e foreigners. Anyway, okay lang kung anuman. Ang importante e mailabas ko tong nararamdaman ko. Ang sakit kasi e. Nasaktan ako at nasasaktan pa rin hanggang ngayon. Grabe, ‘di ko inakala na ganito pala yung magiging impact nya sakin. I kept on telling my friends that I am okay to only prove something to myself — I can fool them but not the person sitting in front of this laptop and writing her heart out. Ang sakit. He is now happy with his girl and I am indeed happy for him as well. Pero kahit pala sabihin mong tanggap mo na, dimo pa rin maiiwasang masaktan, ano? Akala ko kakampi ko ang universe e, pero mukang hindi pala. O sana, ngayon lang hindi. Hehe. (Oo, umaasa pa rin ako). 

Naramdaman ko na naman yung sakit na naramdaman ko noon. Yung makikita mo yung taong mahal mo na masaya kasama yung mahal nya. Grabe lang. Hehe. Nakakatawa ang takbo ng universe. Gusto ko ulit syang maka-usap, maka-chat ng matagal, maka-skype. Gusto kong bumalik yung dati. Gusto kong malaman nya kung gano ako nasaktan sa ginawa nya. Oo, hindi naging kame. Hindi sya nanligaw. Siguro nga para sa kanya magkaibigan lang talaga kame. Ako lang ba talaga ang umasa? Well, di naman ako galit e. Pero hinding-hindi ko itatanggi na nasaktan ako. SOBRA. At hanggang ngayon, ay nasasaktan pa rin. 😦 Bakit ganun? I kept on asking myself as well as this universe…why? Why not? 😦

Akala ko the feeling was mutual. Nakakatawa. Akala ko lang pala. HAHA! Masyado ko lang sigurong binigyan ng pag-asa yung sarili ko. Masyadong na-overwhelm sa attention na binigay nya. Sa oras, kahit na kaunti lang. Sobra kong na-appreciate yung mga bagay na pinakita nya. All those midnight conversations over Skype at good-morning-ingat-ka-pagpasok chats through Facebook, wala lang pala lahat sa kanya yun. My goodness. Sino nga ba naman kasing pipili ng relasyon na malayuan? Oh, c’mon! Wala naman sigurong taong maghahanap ng sakit ng ulo, diba? Ako lang. Hehe. I tried and I hoped na baka mag-work. I thought it would. I hoped that it would. Kaso, #failed. 

Pero kahit na ano pa mang mangyari, life must go on. Di naman titigil ang buhay dahil lang may taong tapos na (siguro) ang role sa buhay ko. Di naman sya hihinto, lilingon, at babalik dahil lang nadapa ako kasi may iba na syang kasabay maglakad. Nagkataon lang siguro na sadyang mas maswerte lang sya kesa sakin. Mas mabilis sigurong maglakad yung isang yun at mas maingat kaya hindi nadapa. HEHE. LIfe must go on. Saka sabi nga rin nila, if you love someone, you have to set him free. Pero teka, how are you going to set someone free if in the first place, you haven’t even gotten hold of him? Haha! Tama pa ba grammar ko? 

Akala ko hindi ako iiyak ng ganito dahil sa kanya. Akala ko okay na yung iniyak ko nung araw na bumulaga sa News Feed ko na sila na. Akala ko okay na ko nung lumabas ako at nag-milktea kasama yung friend ko. Akala ko nailabas ko na lahat ng sama ng loob ko. Akala ko ubos na kakakwento ko. Akala ko kaya kong lokohin yung sarili ko. Puro akala. Akalang mali naman pala.

Akala ko tapos na ko sa phase na gigising na namumugto ang mga mata. Hindi pala. At mukang hindi mangyayari yun. Dahil hangga’t nagmamahal ka, masasaktan at masasaktan ka.Muntik ko nang makalimutan na package deal nga pala yun. Pero gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, life must go on. In fact, I should be thankful kasi marunong akong makaramdam, magmahal, masaktan. Sabi nga nila, YOLO – You Only Live Once – kaya sulitin mo na. Oh, sa dami ng emosyon na naramdaman ko na, muka namang maususulit ko ang stay ko dito sa mundo. 🙂

Osya, to you who spent some time reading this, thank you! 🙂

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