Words Left Unspoken

The hardest thing to understand are the words left unspoken.

An Open Letter to My 24-year old Self

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Dear 24-year old Self,

First of all, congratulations! Kudos to you for all the trials that you have endured and the triumphs that that you have celebrated. You, truly, have grown maturely enough under the love, grace and wisdom of the Lord. Looking back to everything that you have been through — heartaches, unaccomplished goals, unexpected circumstances, unguarded moments, bumps and curves — I can’t be any prouder seeing how you have braved them all!

I know that you still have a lot and want to pursue, I am also aware how pressured, at times, you become because you think that you are being left behind by some of your 20-ish friends, I would like to tell you, then, don’t be! Each and every individual has her own time and pacing. Always remember that how you manage yours is different from how they do theirs. Be reminded, my love, that you have a different set of goals and expectations from the people around you. Do you still remember your Word of the Year? Focus. Yes, focus. Keep your eyes on track, my dear. Never ever let life’s humps and hurdles hinder you from what you can and should accomplish. Things may run slow and delays may come along the way, but what’s important is that you keep going, you keep moving.

I also know that as your age increases, your desire of meeting your prince in the Armor of God also does. Don’t worry, my dear, he will come at the time that your King would allow. For now, I would like you to enjoy the season you are in. Have you forgotten one of your life verses? Yes, Ecclesiastes 3:1, 11 says, “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens…He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Yes, my dear, everything that’s worth having is definitely worth waiting for! For sure, your King does not want you to settle to something half-baked, He wants you to enjoy the perfectly baked and well-seasoned treat that you have patiently been waiting for. And in return, He does not want to serve you while you aren’t in your best state yet. Three words for you to remember? Trust His time!

Enjoy life, worry less! Travel, mingle with friends, meet new people, eat, share your experiences, impart your knowledge, love, cry over losses, laugh, show your skills, pray. Keep in mind that you cannot turn back time, so make the most out of it. Dwell in God’s presence and enjoy every moment He allows you to be in, have enough wisdom to discern the things He wants you to learn from your experiences.

Lastly, always stay in the Lord’s presence. You’ll never know when hardships or breakthroughs would come, so it’s always best to be prepared by staying grounded in God’s presence. As you age, your priorities also change, so guard your heart and mind through constant communication, deep relationship and maintained commitment with your King. I know the struggles that you have been through and how hard you had fought to win over them. You, truly, are victorious! I know that there are times when you tend to forget your value in God’s eyes, I also know that there are times when you feel like giving up and turning back to your old ways. Well, don’t worry, that’s normal and that happens. What matters most is how you have always gone back to Him and you do that with boldness and grace! You have no idea how I have admired you because of that. My dear, no matter how tough situations may be, remember to always go back to the Lord’s presence and always keep His statutes. Do not allow yourself to get lost in this bittersweet world for your stay here is only temporary.

Always remember that you have been chosen by your King to serve Him and be with Him. You have the privilege to talk to Him, so please do especially when you feel like you don’t want to. You are special and highly favored. You are fearfully and wonderfully made! Stop being anxious about your hopes instead, pray about them and trust your King who is gracious enough and is more than willing to give you His kingdom according to His riches in heaven.

So, do not worry and enjoy the life you have been blessed with!

Loving you sincerely,

Me.

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I Grieved…

You made me wanna write again. You made me write again.

It’s been over a year and I didn’t realize that I still have not gone over what happened. I thought everything was already okay since long time had already passed and I chose not to dwell too much on that. I didn’t realize that the impact you made in my life would be that big, that it also made its way to my present situation.

I opened my heart to you, took the risk of getting hurt and welcomed the all-in package of falling for someone. I thought it was something that I could look forward to, but I was wrong. Totally wrong. I mourned for a day and decided to get over it the next day. I thought it was a success, but then again, I was wrong. Was being connected to you totally wrong? LOL! I decided to get over you immediately, without letting grief and sadness crawl in. I thought it was an effective way of letting go and moving on from the wrong one. I thought it would be that easy.

More than a year had passed and I thought that I already succeeded with my plan, but I was shocked upon realizing and seeing myself cry once more. Not because of you, but because of the situation where I used to be in. I was surprised as I found myself crying and realizing that fear has made its way to my heart.

I was not aware that I’ve held that crappy emotion for a long time. I was imprisoned by false hopes, by a false fact. I kept on asking and seeking for reasons why things had to happen that way, until a good friend helped me process things out. An article that I read also said, “Reason’s last step is the recognition that there are an infinite number of things that are beyond it.” I almost forgot that I do not have the ability to process and give reasons to everything.

I believe my own sense of grieving has already come to an end…because I chose to. Your memory has taken its toll in lingering in my mind and I believe that it’s enough. I’ve already had a fair share of bittersweet memories from you. Yes, from you, not with you.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Weeping and mourning have already come to its end. Let me now laugh and dance and enjoy the goodness of life the Lord has granted me with.

I grieved, and now I forgive.🙂

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A Piece of Wisdom from Thought Catalog

Hey there! I just wanted to share this entry from the blog, Thought Catalog. This really moved me, REALLY.😉

Why Unrequited Love Is Sometimes Better
Kreistein Ninoy

 

When people talk about unrequited love, they usually associate it with pain or sadness. Well, I’d be a hypocrite if I was to say that it isn’t true. But you see, there is something about it, something about unrequited love that makes me think it actually is better than having the person you love feel the same way about you.

Do I sound sort of masochistic here? – I do not think so.

So here’s to my unrequited love:

It’s really funny how until now, it is still you who I think about during the wee hours of the morning. It still is you who enters my mind whenever I watch those romantic flicks. The way that I had to keep it to myself, you know, this feeling of wanting to be with you, it’s just driving me nuts. It always saddened me to think that you have, in fact, given your heart to someone else. Shameful as it is to me, I must admit that I felt abused whenever I give in to your pleas and do you favors even though I didn’t want to. But deep down, I knew there was no one else to blame but myself. There will always be that flutter going on about inside my stomach when I see you from afar or whenever you are near. With this, I resolved to stop whatever it would be that was trying to surface. I could be sentenced with attempted murder for having tried killing those butterflies (Ha ha!). To cut it short, I have implemented a restraining order, blocking out any feelings I may have for you.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is with deep conviction that I must say that unrequited love is just as rewarding as having your significant other love you back in return.

From afar, I learned how “love”, despite its intangibility, is able to well up inside a person’s entire being. I felt like a millionaire with having so much love to give but there was nobody to receive it. It was like when Gatsby was hosting extravagant parties in the hope of Daisy showing up one night. All I wanted to do was to give, and give, and give although there was also this voice which was intermittently yelling for something back in return.

A green beacon was beaming towards me from a far distance. All the other lights, I have forgotten.

It was then that I realized that if there was one thing that I learned from that unrequited love, it would be that the first person who would be truly deserving of my passion is me. In the midst of my fondness, I have lost sight of the brightest light that I should have given attention to. I was blinded by the blaring green at instances when I should have strengthened the flare that I was giving off.  I learned to love myself genuinely and focused on my happiness first. It was then that I realized my importance and as well as that of the other people whose lights I should have heed: family and friends. (http://thoughtcatalog.com/kreistein-ninoy/2014/07/why-unrequited-love-is-sometimes-better/)

 

Makes great sense, right?🙂

 

Xiao! ^^ 

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I can’t like you, can I?

Whew!

I actually do not know how to start this. I just wanted to vent out how I feel towards you. Yes, you. I don’t exactly know how and when did this start. It just did. I actually have several reasons to like you but there are many to not to.

I have spent some good time with you and those moments, I tell you, made me really happy. Siguro nami-miss ko lang ma-inspire because of a special someone. Sana nga e ganun lang. At sana rin e ganun lang kadali na mawala tong maliit na nararamdaman ko para sayo. Natatakot kasi ako. Parang…ayoko muna. Hehe. Coward as it may sound but yes, I am afraid. I am afraid of what and how I feel about you. You have shown me certain characteristics that I like in a guy. Pero hindi lang naman ikaw ang ganun na kilala ko. Meron pa ngang mga mas gentleman pa sayo! E bakit ikaw ang napansin ko?! Nakakainis ka naman! Ang tangkad mo kasi, nakita tuloy kita! Haha! But seriously, can I ask you a favor? Can you not stay too close to me? Because if you do, I might fall and get trapped in a place where I’ve been before. Let us just stay where we are right now. Don’t come any closer, please. Not yet…not now.

I am afraid because I haven’t known you yet for a long time. This feeling of mine might be and most probably is just a misconception. Sana gusto lang kita kasi natuwa ako sayo sa minsang bonding na nagkaron tayo. Sana gusto lang kita dahil nakita ko sayo ang mga bagay na sadya nga naman talagang nakakapagpakilig sa mga babae. Hindi ko alam na ganun ka pala.🙂 Alam mo nakakatuwa pa nga kasi naiinis ako sayo nung una. 

Well, let me tell you a short story, I actually didn’t have a good impression on you for the first time. Nainis pa nga ako sayo dahil sa pagka-epal mo, knowing the di pa naman tayo magkakilala non. I even wondered that time how you look like. Kung maka-comment ka sa post ko, akala mo close tayo. Tse! Hahaha! Pero look at us now, friends. You even jokingly uttered one time, “Hoy ano ba, close na nga kame nyan (referring to me)!” Nakakatuwa. Look at me now, writing this whatever I feel for you. 

But you know what, up to this very moment, I am still trying to contradict myself. NO. This can’t be. I can’t like you. I don’t want to like you. I have been in this situation before and I don’t want to be there again. No, not anymore. I have already had a fair share of wrong love. How did I say that it’s wrong? Wala, sinabi ko lang. I just feel it. Eh basta! Yun na yon! 

Oh, basta, ha. Hanggang dito lang muna tayo. Let me observe things first. Siguro naman e nagkakamali lang ako. Ang gentleman mo naman kasi. Nakakainis ka. Well, hopefully, I’ll be able to clarify things out and clear these feelings as well. So, help me God!

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A Letter of a Hopeless Romantic to Her Special Someone…to be. :)

Hi! Uh, kumusta? Alam mo ba, I really wonder when I am really gonna meet you. Pero to be honest, hindi ako ganong nae-excite. Well, siguro noon oo, pero ngayon e parang hindi na rin gaano. Hehe. Siguro dahil mas matured na ako sa isip, sa salita at sa gawa. Haha! I am actually thankful that I haven’t met you yet. You want to know why? Because I want to meet you pag ready na ako. Ready financially, emotionally, socially, at syempre, spiritually. San ikaw din, ganun. Sana hindi ka pa rin masyadong excited na makita ako. Alam mo na, baka kasi sa sobrang pagka-excite e magkamali tayo. I am actually wondering what you are doing right now. Are you also thinking of me? Hehe. Are you also writing a blog about your future special someone? Nakakatuwa namang isipin. Hehe. Wag ka munang magpapakilala sa akin, huh. Saka na lang muna. I know in God’s perfect time, parehas nating malalaman pag malapit na nating makilala ang isa’t-isa o kung kelan natin dapat ipaalam sa isa’t-isa na parehas tayo ng nararamdaman.

Alam mo ba, nanuod ako ng MMK one time, the story was about a girl and a guy who have their “happiness formula.” Ito ang formula nila, HAPPINESS=LOVE+TIME+EFFORT. Well, wala naman akong anything na against doon. I just have a better one in mind and here it is: HAPPINESS=LOVE+TIME+EFFORTx2/GOD. LOVE plus TIME plus EFFORT multiplied by the COUPLE (2) divided by and into GOD. The couple’s love, time and effort should all be divided to God. Do you agree with me? Do we have the same idea? I believe that every couple’s happiness formula should include God. Dapat isama nila si God sa formula nila para mas masaya! Hindi ba? Alam mo bang ipinapanalangin ko na sana e parehas tayo ng views pagdating sa pananampalataya? Sana isa ka sa mga taong magdadala sa akin para maging mas malapit sa Panginoon. O kung hindi man, nawa’y ako ang maging tulay mo patungo sa Kanya.🙂

Gusto kitang makilala sa panahong itinakda Nya. Paano kaya tayo magkakakilala? Magkakilala na kaya tayo? Close friend ba kita o isa ka sa mga taong minsan ko lang nakasalamuha? Nakasabay na kaya kita sa jeep o minsang nakabangga sa mall? Natarayan na kaya kita? O isa ka sa mga taong parati kong nginingitian? Haha! Nakakapraning isipin! Pero paano man tayo nagkakilala o magkakakilala, nagpapasalamat ako sa Diyos kasi hindi pa rin kita kilala bilang IKAW na muling magpapatibok ng puso ko.🙂

Gusto kong malaman mo na hindi ako perpekto. Ngayon pa lang, binabalaan na kita. Haha! Napakarami kong flaws — physically, emotionally at maging socially. Maputi ako pero hindi maganda, masayahin pero may pagka-topakin at friendly pero hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay sociable. Pero anu’t-anuman ang mga maging kakulangan ko, alam kong nandyan lang lagi ang Panginoon para paalalahan tayong dalawa na sa isang relasyon, hindi lang ako, hindi lang ikaw, hindi lang tayong dalawa kundi tayong tatlo — ikaw, ako at Sya, bilang gabay, pundasyon at sandigan. SIYA nawa ang maging sentro ng kung anumang relasyon ang mabuo sa ating dalawa. I also didn’t come from a Christian family so I pray that it wouldn’t be an issue between the two of us. I love my family a lot and though we have different religious views, I know that in the bottom of our hearts, we praise and give glory to Jesus Christ, the Son of God. 

Maging partners nawa tayong dalawa hindi lang sa pag-gala, pagkain at paggawa ng mga hilig natin kundi maging sa paggabay sa mga kabataan sa church na dinadaluhan nating dalawa. Magsilbi nawa tayong dalawa bilang mga ate at kuya nila na pwede nilang gawing inspirasyon sa kung anu-ano. Maging mga mabubuting halimbawa nawa tayo sa kanila para patuloy silang lumapit at magpuri sa Panginoon. Magsilbi rin nawa tayong mga kaibigan na pagkakatiwalaan nila ng mga bagay-bagay para makapagbigay din tayo ng payo na tutulong sa kanila sa mga desisyon, malaki man o maliit, na dapat nilang gawin. 

Oh pano, hanggang dito na lang muna? Sana nabasa mo rin yung unang sulat ko. Pero kahit naman dimo pa nababasa yon, pagdating ng tamang panahon, ipababasa ko rin iyon sayo. See you in God’s time! Ingatan mo sarili mo ha, mamahalin pa kita! Naks!😛

God bless you, Honey…to be. :) 

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Random Personal Thoughts and Questions.

It is exactly 11:56 PM in my laptop. I am supposed to be sleeping by now but here I am again, typing letters, words and sentences to express things that I wanted to tell you but I haven’t.

I suddenly remembered all the things that we used to do on weekends. We chat. We video call. We laugh. We throw jokes and we exchange stories. We even have shared songs and music videos to one another. Do you still remember that, huh? Hmm. I guess not. What made me say that? I saw your girl posted it in your Timeline. Well, to tell you the truth, I still browse your Facebook Timeline sometimes. I still want to know things about you. How are you now? Are you still here in Manila or you’re back to your hometown? When will you go back to your workplace? I miss you. Oops, can I? Can I miss someone I’ve never been with? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. All I know and feel is that I want to talk with you again. Okay lang kahit mapuyat ako. Diba nga usapan natin, pwede magpuyat basta weekend? Basta walang pasok kinaumagahan? Do you still remember that?

I miss all those times that we talked in the morning. You are actually one of the reasons why I wake up earlier than the usual. My friends even laughed at me when they knew that. Di na rin ako nag-deny. What’s the point? E totoo naman. Hehe. Kumusta ka na ba? Ano nang balita sayo? Nung Valentine’s Day ka pa huling nag-message. Ilang araw na rin. Actually nakalimutan ko na nga yung reason kung bakit ka nag-chat nun e. Can you help me remember?

I miss your voice. Don’t get me wrong, I know you didn’t sing a whole song for me. But I heard you sing once, via Skype. I just forgot what the song was. Can you tell me again? Can we talk again?

Why aren’t you sending me messages anymore? Is it because of me? Are you thinking that I am mad at you? No. I am not. Oh, okay. To be honest, at first, I was really really upset. But I was more hurt than upset. I thought the feeling was mutual. But then again, I guess I was wrong. No, I was really wrong. Funny, isn’t it? But now, I am okay. Truly okay. So, can you send me a message again? Promise, I will send back a message.

I want to ask you a lot of questions. How long did you court her? Were you courting her while chatting with me? Was she the reason why you were using your phone during those times that we were video calling? Were you also chatting with her while we do? If yes, then why, in the first place, did you send me chocolates and continuously chatted along with me? I appreciate whatever reason you have but it could have been better if you just did not. 

We were okay since the day we met. We were not close friends but not enemies either. We talked casually about my father’s project which happened that you drew. We were okay as Facebook friends. Actually, crush nga kita nun e. Hehe. Nung unang beses na nagkita tayo, naging crush na kita. Pero naglaho rin naman yun. Kasi by that time, studyante pa lang ako, ikaw naman, architect na. So sabi ko, walang patutunguhan toh. That was July 2011. Then after 2 years, there goes your chocolate. Hanggang sa nasundan na ng chats every morning, hanggang pati gabi. Tapos nauwi rin tayo sa video call. Ngayon, ano nang nangyari? Nagulat nalang ako isang araw may girlfriend ka na. Hanggang ngayon diko pa rin lubos maisip kung anong dahilan at kung anong pumasok sa isip mo bakit ka nagpadala ng chocolates, alam mong Kuya ang tawag ko sayo pero dun sa note na kasama ng chocolates, pangalan mo lang — walang Kuya. You gave me false hope and I was hurt. Akala ko kasi, yun na. Hindi pala.

Well, di naman ako nagsisisi sa maikling panahon na pinagsamahan natin. Siguro, more on nanghihinayang. Iniisip ko nga, kung di kaya tayo nagkalapit nung mga panahon na yon, ano kaya tayo ngayon? Ano kaya ako ngayon? You inspired me. And to be honest, sabihan na kong tanga ng mga kaibigan ko pero, you still do. 

Kumusta ka na nga pala? Masaya ka ba? Kasi ako, masaya ako para sayo. Pero syempre, to be honest, malungkot ako para sa sarili ko. Just like what I’ve mentioned earlier, I thought we feel the same way. Yun pala, hindi. You’ll be celebrating your 2nd monthsary by next week. Congrats! Going strong, huh? Good luck to the both of you. Oh, don’t mind me. I am okay. Of course, it still hurts a bit but, I am more than okay compared before.

Well, I’d like to confess something to you. There’s this hope within me that makes me feel like we could still have another chance. Do you feel it, too? It seems like there’s something in me that says it may not be now but maybe, in the future. Well, I don’t want to assume and predict anymore, so, I’ll just go with the flow. I know that if it’s really for me, if you’re really for me, we’ll still meet at the end of the road.

So, shall I see you there? Who knows, we may be taking the same road, it’s just happened that you walk faster than I do. Just take care as you walk your path. I do hope that the girl you’re walking with won’t ever let you trip nor stumble. Take care and see you when I see you.🙂

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I’m Not Missin’ You At All (New Chapter of this Blog)

Hey yow! It has been a long while since I last posted in this blog. Hindi ko alam kung masyado lang ba akong naging tamad o naging busy. Hehe! It’s the 14th of February and everyone seems like having their best day ever. Habang ako, eto, nasa kwarto, nakikinig ng mga kanta ng MYMP at nagsusulat. In short, nag-e-emote. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung may tao bang makakabasa at makakaintindi dito sa mga sinusulat ko e. Since halos lahat ngg nag-follow sakin at finollow ko dito sa WordPress e foreigners. Anyway, okay lang kung anuman. Ang importante e mailabas ko tong nararamdaman ko. Ang sakit kasi e. Nasaktan ako at nasasaktan pa rin hanggang ngayon. Grabe, ‘di ko inakala na ganito pala yung magiging impact nya sakin. I kept on telling my friends that I am okay to only prove something to myself — I can fool them but not the person sitting in front of this laptop and writing her heart out. Ang sakit. He is now happy with his girl and I am indeed happy for him as well. Pero kahit pala sabihin mong tanggap mo na, dimo pa rin maiiwasang masaktan, ano? Akala ko kakampi ko ang universe e, pero mukang hindi pala. O sana, ngayon lang hindi. Hehe. (Oo, umaasa pa rin ako). 

Naramdaman ko na naman yung sakit na naramdaman ko noon. Yung makikita mo yung taong mahal mo na masaya kasama yung mahal nya. Grabe lang. Hehe. Nakakatawa ang takbo ng universe. Gusto ko ulit syang maka-usap, maka-chat ng matagal, maka-skype. Gusto kong bumalik yung dati. Gusto kong malaman nya kung gano ako nasaktan sa ginawa nya. Oo, hindi naging kame. Hindi sya nanligaw. Siguro nga para sa kanya magkaibigan lang talaga kame. Ako lang ba talaga ang umasa? Well, di naman ako galit e. Pero hinding-hindi ko itatanggi na nasaktan ako. SOBRA. At hanggang ngayon, ay nasasaktan pa rin.😦 Bakit ganun? I kept on asking myself as well as this universe…why? Why not?😦

Akala ko the feeling was mutual. Nakakatawa. Akala ko lang pala. HAHA! Masyado ko lang sigurong binigyan ng pag-asa yung sarili ko. Masyadong na-overwhelm sa attention na binigay nya. Sa oras, kahit na kaunti lang. Sobra kong na-appreciate yung mga bagay na pinakita nya. All those midnight conversations over Skype at good-morning-ingat-ka-pagpasok chats through Facebook, wala lang pala lahat sa kanya yun. My goodness. Sino nga ba naman kasing pipili ng relasyon na malayuan? Oh, c’mon! Wala naman sigurong taong maghahanap ng sakit ng ulo, diba? Ako lang. Hehe. I tried and I hoped na baka mag-work. I thought it would. I hoped that it would. Kaso, #failed. 

Pero kahit na ano pa mang mangyari, life must go on. Di naman titigil ang buhay dahil lang may taong tapos na (siguro) ang role sa buhay ko. Di naman sya hihinto, lilingon, at babalik dahil lang nadapa ako kasi may iba na syang kasabay maglakad. Nagkataon lang siguro na sadyang mas maswerte lang sya kesa sakin. Mas mabilis sigurong maglakad yung isang yun at mas maingat kaya hindi nadapa. HEHE. LIfe must go on. Saka sabi nga rin nila, if you love someone, you have to set him free. Pero teka, how are you going to set someone free if in the first place, you haven’t even gotten hold of him? Haha! Tama pa ba grammar ko? 

Akala ko hindi ako iiyak ng ganito dahil sa kanya. Akala ko okay na yung iniyak ko nung araw na bumulaga sa News Feed ko na sila na. Akala ko okay na ko nung lumabas ako at nag-milktea kasama yung friend ko. Akala ko nailabas ko na lahat ng sama ng loob ko. Akala ko ubos na kakakwento ko. Akala ko kaya kong lokohin yung sarili ko. Puro akala. Akalang mali naman pala.

Akala ko tapos na ko sa phase na gigising na namumugto ang mga mata. Hindi pala. At mukang hindi mangyayari yun. Dahil hangga’t nagmamahal ka, masasaktan at masasaktan ka.Muntik ko nang makalimutan na package deal nga pala yun. Pero gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, life must go on. In fact, I should be thankful kasi marunong akong makaramdam, magmahal, masaktan. Sabi nga nila, YOLO – You Only Live Once – kaya sulitin mo na. Oh, sa dami ng emosyon na naramdaman ko na, muka namang maususulit ko ang stay ko dito sa mundo.🙂

Osya, to you who spent some time reading this, thank you!🙂

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The Latter :)

Hey yow!😀

Last week was a not so good week for me. Why? Simply because my worries on the first three days of that week took away all the happiness in me. I was sooo worried because of what I feel to the point that I wasn’t able to appreciate the happiness that I could have had. Anyway, good thing a good friend/colleague of mine spent time talking to me and gave me her unsolicited advice which are very useful!🙂 So now, I must say that I already know what to do!

Well, the things that I have just shared with you are not the main reasons why I wrote another entry in this blog. The reason is that *drum roll* I want to share with you what happened to the sign that I asked for from Him. Remember? The one I was talking about in my previous blog. Any guess? Haha! Well, we wore the same color of shirt on that day…which means, I would continue talking to him, be his friend and, for me, be happy! Well, God really is so good!😀

As per what my friend, Ate Lucci, has told me, if I would lift all my concerns to the Lord, I should also trust Him. That’s how it goes. I should trust the Lord with all His plans. HIS plans. I, we, should pray and let the Lord do what He wants to do. We should let Him do the work depending on His will, not ours.🙂

I have always believed that people should learn from their experiences. And with this experience, I learned that we should have strong faith if we want something to happen. But of course, we should lift everything to the Lord — meaning, we should not expect of the outcomes that we want. We should  trust the Lord and accept all the results whole-heartedly because what He wants or gives will always be the best for us. Again, for the nth time, we should just trust and have faith in Him.🙂

Thank you! I love You, Lord!🙂

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Get hurt then be happy or Be happy then get hurt?

Is it okay not to be okay? Actually I have been feeling sad and bothered for the past few days. I can’t really point out the main reason why but, I think this has something to do with what I feel. I think my fear of getting hurt is corrupting the happiness in me. And, I think this is pretty bad. Way too bad than what I’ve expected.

I really don’t know what to write in here. I just want to burst my feelings out. Why here? Simple. I don’t want to disturb my friends. I know that there are also things that bother them so, I don’t want them to think and listen to my sentiments anymore. I don’t want to give them additional burden to think of.

I really don’t know why but since these past few days, I felt like crying when I watch telenovelas. Haha! Funny but I feel so affected and moved by the scene. Maybe I just feel happy for their happy ending. Then would eventually ask myself, “How ’bout me? Well, I am not wishing for a happy ending rather, I wonder when would I ever have a good beginning.”

I think being so afraid of getting hurt steals all the happiness and joy that I may feel. I restrain myself from doing the things that I want to do just to avoid disappointment. Well, in a positive point of view, I think that’s okay. It’s just like guarding my heart and keeping it safe. However, I am thinking, “Isn’t it getting too much?”, “Am I not being overacting? A simple talk won’t harm me that bad, anyway.” Hay! I don’t know. I feel so confused.

Yesterday, I had a talk with my friend over a cup of frozen yogurt. I told her my sentiments and concerns, then she asked me, “Why, aren’t you getting hurt because of what you’re doing? You’re avoiding the person because you don’t want to fall for him nor to get hurt. But, unconsciously, you’re hurting yourself simply because you’re not doing the simple things that can make you happy which, actually, are very easy to do!” Then, boom! A huge lightning bolt struck me to death. Okay, OA. -_- But, seriously, she’s right. I got her point and I clearly understood what she was trying to say. It’s just that, I really do not know what to do. Would I keep myself distant from him? Or would I do what makes me happy?

Whenever I ask myself of what I really want to do or how would I resolve this situation, it all comes to one answer — I.DO.NOT.KNOW! Well, one thing’s for sure.  I don’t want to get hurt…again. That’s it! Then, the rest would be, “Come what may!”

As I was walking to the office this morning, an idea suddenly hit my mind. I am wearing a yellow shirt now and there were a couple of times that we wore same-colored shirts. So, petty it may be but, I asked for a sign. If he’s also wearing yellow today, then I would talk to him again and I would just go with the flow. I won’t care anymore if I might get hurt in the end or not, as long as I am happy, that will be fine. But if he’s not wearing the same color with mine, I would totally forget of what and how I feel about him — regardless of how big or small this feeling is. And another thing, I won’t mind him and whomever he’d talk to. Whew! This is going to be a one time big time pain! Haha! Well, at least, it will be over way really fast. LOL! So, I haven’t seen him yet since this morning. Well, oh, well. I’m ready for this!😛

So, I think I have to be ready of what’s going to be. I should prepare myself to get hurt and be happy…or, to be happy then get hurt.😉

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Untitled Sentiment

Hey there! It’s been one month and a week now when he entered the company where I work at. And yes, it has also been a month and a week that I have a crush on him. I feel happy, yes. But as time goes by, I feel a little more scared of what and how I feel. It’s not that I am a philophobic but I just can’t help myself but be afraid of what’s something inside me. I don’t want to get hurt yet. Not again. Yes, I have been hurt before and that caused me so much pain to the point that I am still afraid ’til now. I am happy with how I feel but scared at the same time. Scared that I might totally fall in love with someone but then, AGAIN, the person won’t be there to catch me. Yeah, cheesy! Another thing that I am afraid of? There is this girl whom I think has a secret crush on him, too. Well, “History repeats itself”, as they say. It’s not that I am being too selfish or anything but, I am just afraid that they might fall deeply in love with one another. What’s funny about this? I have noticed that this girl has been befriending me since these past few days. *insert bitter laugh here* Well, I just can’t accept the fact that I might get hurt again…that I would get hurt again. I have had enough of this shitty thing. Hahaha! It’s fine with me if the guy wouldn’t feel the same way as I do. I just pray that this feeling of mine wouldn’t go any farther anymore. I can be happy for them, if they like each other. But not now, please. Let me forget what I feel for the guy first. Haha! Then after that, once I say that I’m fine, go ahead! Go and show the world what you guys really feel for one another!

I just hope and pray that if the guy wouldn’t fall for me, it’s better for me not to fall for him, too.🙂

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